Walking The Dark Hills With Jesus By My Side

A month ago yesterday, my husband Jeremy kicked me out of our home,
and told me he wants a divorce. That after 6 years of dealing with my
mental illness (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and my physical illness
(Crohn's Disease) as well as me not productively dealing with stress and
at times verbally lashing out at him and my family.  He is done.

He says the only way to save our marriage (possibly) is for me to return
to counseling and get help in coping and productively dealing with the
emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I've endured over the past 20
years by numerous people, the main one being my first husband who held
me against my will as well as, beat, raped and threatened to murder me
for 6 months before I was able to get away from him when I was only 19
years old.

I was in counseling 5 years ago, but due to budget cuts and I didn't have insurance at the time due to Medicare telling me I had  to wait 2 years to be able to get my health insurance,
I was told by the counseling center that I was NOT allowed to come back
because they had no funds to help people like me (people without
insurance who was on a special sliding pay scale) Also the counselors I
was given (3 to be exact in just 1 year) were NOT trained to handle
people like me with PTSD and had no idea on how to treat me so my entire
time in counseling back 5 years ago was a dead end and i was thrown
under the bus again. My second time since I was 17 years old when I
first showed signs of PTSD yet back in 1998 there was no such thing as
PTSD and so for 17 years now I have been throw under the bus by numerous
counselors, hospitals, psychiatrists, and doctors.

However, my new counselor is certified and trained in PTSD counseling and knows
exactly how to treat me, she says. She already has a plan ready for
action in 2 weeks. She will be doing a treatment/therapy on me that is a
specific PTSD treatment that I have NEVER in my entire time fighting
this mental illness had someone do. She is confident it will help and be
just the first step on my new road to recovery.  I have a very hard
time trusting people but this lady after just 2 sessions I already feel
75% comfortable and trusting towards her.  No one has ever talked to me
and supported me the way this lady has in just 2 sessions.  And NEVER
once did she say (unlike every other counselor I've had) "I'm not sure
what to do to help you" so already I like her for not saying that.

In the mean time while all this is going on, I am moving out of my home
with Jeremy. This week I got everything that is mine out of the
downstairs of our town house, and this weekend Jeremy and I will begin
on the upstairs. And by the middle or end of Oct. I will be moved out of
our home completely.  Jeremy and I talk in some form everyday still, we
are nice and kind to each other. We still love each other, but he says
it isn't a matter of loving me, it is a matter of living with me and
dealing with all the health problems I have, and that I'm not dealing
with them in a productive manner.

No one can deny that I am under an enormous amount of stress dealing with Crohn's Disease,
but to also be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress disorder and
everything that come with it is too much for any one person to have to
go through at times.

I want to save my marriage of 7 years, I want to get better mentally and physically. I want to be able
to deal with stress productively instead of lashing out verbally at my
husband, family and friends. Because even if my marriage doesn't
survive, I still need counseling because I lash out verbally to my
family and friends at times and so in the end all my current and future
relationships are in jeopardy if I don't get the right counselor and
right treatment for this PTSD. And I will just continue to push people
away until I'm lost and alone without a friend in the world. 

I do not know what the future holds, but I know my Jesus holds the future
in his hands and He has always and will continue to take care of me. In
the face of all this I have not lost my faith, through every trial in
my life, the Lord has always been there directing and guiding me and I
know that 14 years ago he literally saved me from being murdered and
allowed me to survive so that I could be here today, then He can help me
through this, because I have survived so much worse than what I'm going
through today.

That is truly how I am able to get up every morning and face each day despite of the hell I am going through. Because if it was up to my first husband I would be dead 14 years now.
14 years my family would still be grieving, 14 years of hell they would
still be enduring knowing they would never see me again on this earth. 
14 years of visiting my grave on my birthday and holidays. That's why I
continue to fight, life is a gift and I try not to take it for granted
and cherish every good day that I have with my health and I can enjoy it
with the ones I love.