Needing To Get a few things off my chest

I get so tired of dealing with this disease.  The Pain, the constant diarrhea/bathroom breaks, and of course the not being able to go anywhere because there is a Flu epidemic going on and if I catch the Flu I more than likely will be in the hospital because the Humira medication deteriorates my immune system so I can't fight off any illnesses.

I have been on Humira since September 2012 and I'm still in severe pain. Like last night after eating a new recipe I tried out I have been up sick all night and all day in severe pain because I ate some boiled veggies, grilled chicken and all put into a pot of cream of chicken soup to make like a chicken pot pie and you eat it with biscuits I have been none stop sick.  If I'm not just eating potatoes for my only source of veggies, then I am even more sick it seems, and more times than not it doesn't matter what I put in my stomach it all makes me sick.

I'm so tired of waking up 2-3 times during the night with severe stomach/abdominal pains to the point I'm vomiting or dry heaving every morning and even popping nausea pills I still sometimes throw up.    Every morning like clock work between the hours of 6-8a.m. I'm up dry heaving or vomiting and keeping Jeremy awake and having to take care of me. Getting me medicine, and crackers or the bucket to catch my vomit.

I keep reading my bible and trusting in God that he sees my suffering and won't allow me to suffer for nothing, but at times especially since we have been experiencing so many deaths lately I wonder why God keeps me alive even though he sees that I'm suffering to the point I cry for death to ease the pain from the Crohn's.  And no amount of pain meds even dull the pain that seems to spread over my entire body at times and is unbearable.

So many people have these ideas that they have this miracle drug or miracle "something" that will cure me. I get so tired of these people and I'm just going to be honest.  Because I have tried so many "Miracle" Drugs that NEVER work and we have spent hundreds of dollars on these "Miracle" Drugs and I will Not try any more.

We have tried diets, meds, "miracle" drugs and prayer and nothing is easing my pain.  The only thing I don't give up on is prayer because it is all I have left. For God is the only one that can heal me.

It seems the doctors really don't know what to do and are pulling at strings.  They say Oh you aren't bad enough to hurt to the extent you are. Yet they say I have active crohn's in my small intestine and I also have ulcers throughout my intestines, but I'm not suppose to be in pain.  YOU TRY TAKING A POOP ON A ULCER! Is what I want to say to them and have them tell me if doesn't hurt like Hell?

I go back to the doctor Next month for my 3 month check up and to see how I've improved, but yet I have not improved.

On top of all this I'm fighting to get help to afford my Humira injections, for without any help I will have to pay over 400 dollars every 3 months to stay on this medicine and I don't have that money.  I've applied for help but am still waiting to see if I will qualify and if I don't then I don't know what will happen to me.

And while trying to get his Bachelor Degree Jeremy is continuing to take care of me and do all the shopping, helping with house work and taking care of me when I am too sick to take care of myself.  It is too much at times for 1 person to handle but he continues to do an amazing job at juggling college, ministry work and me.

So today has been a really bad day, and I needed to get this off my chest and vent.  Sorry if this may have been to honest for some but this is what a person with Crohn's deals with every day of their life.