It's Days Like This I Wish God Would Take Me Home To Heaven

Too much bad stuff happened today.

First, I woke up again at 5 a.m. nausea's and throwing up, diarrhea, and stomach pains.

Second, I call the Abbott Company who makes my Humira Injections to see why they haven't contacted me on whether or not they will give me help paying for my injections so I can continue to take Humira and they say I need to call back on Tuesday to see if they are finished reviewing my files.  The Bad thing about this is, tomorrow I take my final injection then I have no more and no way to afford any more injections unless Abbott gets off their bums and makes a decision.  So I was then told by Abbott to contact my Gastro Doctor and inform them that I will be out of injections tomorrow.

Three, I call my Gastro Doctors nurse and talk to her about the Humira injection problem, as well as about my hair falling out, my non stop nausea and never ending diarrhea and intestinal pain despite being on Humira for 4 months.  So the nurse takes down everything going on with me, and then calls me back after she talks to my doctor.  My doctor is ordering lots of blood work to be done on me to check my levels again to see if I'm lacking and that is the reason why my hair is falling out, and he is also checking me for Lupus.  and I swear if it comes back positive for Lupus I'm begging Jesus to take me home to heaven NOW! I don't need another disease

And Four, I get a phone call from the State of Ohio because they are evaluating me on whether I am still disabled and should continue to receive SSDI.  Their problem is that I haven't seen a psychiatrist in over a year for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression, and they want me to have an appointment with a psychiatrist that they choose to reevaluate me and this psychiatrist will decide whether I am still "disabled" or not.

For those who don't know about my struggle with PTSD I have had this since I was 17 yrs old when first a young man who went to the church I was attending began stalking me and even threatened to bring a gun to church and shoot me in front of everyone as I was playing my drums for a service because I refused to date him. I ended up having my first nervous break down then, and  I had to have a restraining order placed against this man which didn't work and he ended up finding me a year later and want to see me.  But after that visit and making it known I didn't want to see him he finally left me alone.

Then at 18 yrs old I married a man who I thought loved me, but ended up being a drug addict and alcoholic who beat and raped me off and on for 6 months and held me against my will.  Told me if I tried to leave him he would kill me.  And only through the grace of God did I get away from that Man with my life, but not my mind.

And after I got away from my ex husband that was when the PTSD symptoms started until finally 4 years ago I had my 2nd  nervous break down and finally put a name to what I was dealing with.  While finding out I had PTSD I was also dealing with Crohn's Disease and Gastroparesis, which we did NOT know I had at the time and which led to my mental problems and depression even more.

The reason I haven't been seen by any counselor or psychiatrist is because the place I was going to had me on an assistance program for payment, and guess what, they ran out of funds.  I received a letter telling me I was NOT allowed to return to the mental health facility for treatment because there were no more funds to help me.  So I had no where to go and being so sick with Crohn's and Gastroparesis I wasn't even able to go to an appointment if I tried.

So now this psychiatrist will hold my life in his or her hands and whether I will continue to get help and stay labeled disabled or be told I'm well enough to hold down a job and go back to a normal life just like everyone else.  And this scares me to death that someone has this much control over my life.  Because the last time someone did have this control they abused me for a year and nearly murdered me.  So you can understand my anxiety and fear.

Even though the abuse happened over 10 years ago, in my head it's as if it happened just yesterday especially when I am triggered in to a flashback or have a night terror while sleeping.  Like I said my body may have escaped the abuse but my mind didn't and I can only pray that one day I will be healed from this as well.

Reliving beatings and rapes for the rest of your life is not what anyone wants, and to have to fight Crohn's Disease and Gastroparesis on top of it is too much to bare at times.

It's days like this I don't even know how I'm still alive and haven't had a heart attack or stroke from all the stress.  I don't wish anything I go through on my worst enemy.  I am really broken tonight and just asking God to help me through this day, because I don't know how i'm gonna make it through.