What It Means To Be Broken

This week has honestly been the worst I've endured yet fighting Crohn's and today it got even worse.

Since last week I have been fighting to get new medication for my Crohn's Disease because, the medication "Lialda" I was on my prescription drug plan is refusing to cover it and so forced my Dr. to switch me to what is called "Asacol". I got this after a week and 2 days of fighting between the pharmacy, the doctors office and the prescription drug plan company. And That's just one fight.

In the midst of fighting to get the medication, I was to have a stool culture done to check and see if I have any kind of infection in my stool because where I contracted Cdiff 2 months ago. Well we had to fight 3 days to get the fax sent to the hospital lab we use. Because the dr.'s secretary was sending it to the wrong lab.

Then today I wake up and I am coughing up infection out of my chest. So now I've caught the beginning of an upper respiratory infection/chest cold. So I'm in bed all day today running a fever, aching all over, taking mucinex D to try and cough the infection out of my chest before I get too bad. I'm thinking about calling the doctor to make an appointment to get medication to get rid of this infection. Because my immune system is so shot and I'm malnourished from not being able to eat good nutritious foods because of the Crohn's Disease and I don't see any other way I'm going to get rid of it.

This evening around 3:00p.m. everything came crashing down on me and my husband.Less than 24 hours after turning in my Stool Sample for Testing, the Gastro Dr.'s office called. I knew something wasn't right because the person who called was actually another Dr. that works in the same office as my Dr. when normally it is the Dr.'s assistant who makes these calls.

The Dr. tells me "Mrs. Caverley, your stool culture came back and I have bad news. You have Cdiff again. We are calling you in another round of antibiotics but this time instead of being on them for 1 week you will be on them for 2 weeks and taking these pills 4 times a day."

That's when i started to cry on the phone and apologized to the Dr. for crying but told him that why I'm crying is because i woke up this morning with what seems to be an upper respiratory infection, and now I'm being told I also have Cdiff and I'm still fighting to get my Crohn's Disease into remission on top of it all.

He felt so bad for me and tried to console me on the phone. But honestly there really isn't anything anyone can do. Crohn's is also an auto immune deficiency disease and so I am more susceptible to getting all kinds of infections as well as any kind of communicable diseases like the flu, colds, STAPH, MRSA etc.

We have been told to look into buying surgical masks for me to wear when I have to go out in public to the stores, hospitals, dr. offices etc. because if I don't I might keep getting sick constantly. And that makes me feel really bad because I know if people see me wearing one of those masks they're going to think I'm capable of giving them something which in reality is the opposite. I'm trying to keep "them" from giving me whatever they have. Just one more thing to make me feel like a FREAK!

To try and put what I'm going through into words is so hard because honestly you can't grasp the enormity of the situation unless you are sitting here with me hearing me say it to you. As someone told me once a few weeks ago when they called. They said, "When I read your posts and blogs I didn't grasp the severity of your situation until I heard you tell it over the phone.

I guess it's just one of those things you have to experience it to understand it.

So no happy, inspiring things to share today because I'm truly broken and my faith is actually wavering. I keep asking God WHY!!!!!! Why do you keep allowing me to suffer more and more when so many are lifting me up in prayer to either be healed or have my suffering decreased so that it is more bearable. I myself have reverted to one line prayers like "God help me to get through this day." "God ease the pain so I can eat and not be malnourished." Those kinds of prayers I've given up on the prayer of healing because I prayed that prayer for 4 years and there has been no healing. So I have accepted that God is not going to heal me and for some reason wants me to go through this. I don't know anymore.............