Since my diagnosis is so new, there are a lot of questions, and doubts that go through my head daily. I am a Christian but sometimes when I'm in so much pain that I can't bare it, I question God and why he is allowing me to go through this, and why after so many years of people praying for my healing has it not come? Even those praying for my healing are asking the same question.
But the the main question running through my head over the past few days is this......
11 years ago I married a man who I thought loved me and truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But after just 4 months of marriage it was clear that was NOT what he intended for our life together.
After 4 months of marriage he became abusive, and over the next 6 months he beat me, raped me, and held me against my will in his grandparents home, who also enabled him to abuse me because they wouldn't do anything to stop him. His grandparents even kept me from using the phone and or answering the phone when my family called and being able to reach out for help.
After 6 months of enduring abuse daily from my ex husband, one night in late October 2000 everything came to a head. After being told so often by my ex husband that he was going to kill me and if I ever tried to leave him and he would hunt me down and kill me, I knew there was no escaping alive from him unless God made a way for me to escape. So I began praying every night for 2 weeks and told God "Lord if he won't let me go, then you have to make so that every time he looks at me he sees you. Because evil cannot stand to look upon the face of God."
So I prayed this every night and 2 weeks later I was sitting in the livingroom, my ex husband comes in looks at me and yells, "GET OUT! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE, GET OUT OF MY FACE, I CAN'T STAND TO EVEN LOOK AT YOU!" When I heard those words I knew God had heard my prayer.
In just a few minutes my ex husband was throwing me out of the house. All I had was a small bag of clothes and what I was wearing. He finally allowed me to call my family so that they could come and get me.
I had survived and I thought my life was going to get better after that.
But now 10 years after the divorce has been finalized and I have tried to move on with my life. I'm now diagnosed with an incurable disease.
And the question I've been asking God lately is.....
"Why didn't you let him kill me? Why, knowing that I would end up suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the abuse I endured at his hands, and now Crohn's Disease?! WHY!? Death would be the end of all suffering and I would be at peace at last.
Since I'm on this honesty kick I might as well keep being honest. I actually sometimes when I'm in so much pain from the Crohn's Disease, and the endless sleepless nights from the night terrors and flashbacks I have every now and then from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have actually cried out for God to just let me die.
I'm sure I'm not the only person with a debilitating disease or disorder who has cried out the same way in these kinds of moments in their lives at one time or another. Sometimes this life just becomes unbearable and we cry out for relief.
But then I make it through another day and once again I try and find reasons to keep going. Because even though my faith at times is weak, I do have enough to trust God that tomorrow will be a better day.
People have asked me what i see for my life in the future....Honestly, I don't look into the future any longer. All I'm trying to do at this point until we can get this disease under control, is making it through today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here yet, and God is in control of tomorrow. Today and making it through and staying a live and trying to get through all the pain, questions, and doubts is what I'm focused on right now.
Oh yes I had plans for my future and they were plans I thought God had for me to, but I'm not focusing on them anymore. If they come true, ok then they come to pass, but if they don't I have to accept that they won't. My life is literally in God's hands now. The doctors, my family, my husband, and friends are not in control. No one can heal me or take a way this disease they can only treat it and support me through this new journey in my life. Only God has the power to heal me and I have to totally give my life to him.
So many questions, but still waiting on the answers. Answers that may or may not ever come. That's why Faith is so important even if it's as small as a mustard seed at times.
No comments:
Post a Comment