River Flows In You Performed By Miranda Caverley

I recorded my version of Yiruma's "River Flows In You" for my husband Jeremy as a gift for valentines day. Hope it blesses you.

Random Rambling thoughts for feb. 4th

I have really become a hermit compared to my usual self.  Talking through fb chat or text is all I want to do. Some may understand some may not but thankfully my family does.

I don't want to talk to or see anyone because I feel so terrible. My mind is just so jumbled with gobbly gook that I can't carry on a in person conversation even Jeremy doesn't talk to me much other than to come in and see if I'm OK and if I need anything every so often. In a text message or private chat I have time to get my thoughts together and then respond.

I have 29 days until I go back to see my crohns disease specialist and see where we go next in this fight.

I actually had a anxiety attack last night because I was so worried about all my close friends I usually call weekly or monthly frightened they may think I'm deliberately avoiding them or that I just don't care about them anymore because this person I am right now just isn't me, it is truly the disease taking over at times and the real me is getting pushed to the back of the line.

These are just some of the things that go through my head on a daily basis since my health has been in rapid decline since the remicade reaction almost a month ago. I question if I'm even a good wife and try to do the best I can even though I'm feeling so bad.

This is really just a venting post where I needed to get this off my mind. Welcome to the thoughts of a chronically ill person.

Miracles, Allergic Reactions and Crohns Disease

Since my last post some very scary things have happened in my fight against crohns.

After my remicade infusion in December I had continued to go down hill with the crohns and new symptoms suddenly started popping up on my body.

I was suppose to go back n see my GI doctor on Jan. 5th but I was so sick and literally stuck in the bathroom that I could not make the hour and thirty minute one way drive to Columbus so I rescheduled for march 1st.

I went in for my 3rd remicade infusion on Jan. 9th and right st the end of the infusion my body started swelling up with fluid at an alarming rate. We got me home and I immediately took my water pills and other emergency meds to help with the reaction. However the reaction symptoms continued to get worse and more symptoms started showing up over the next few days so bad that I immediately went and saw my primary care physician who told me that I was having a severe allergic reaction to remicade and that if I had not been prescribed these emergency meds that I have at home that I would have been in the hospital. He upped the dosage of my water pill to combat the never ending adema throughout my body and told my to take another emergency med daily instead of 2 or 3 times a week because this reaction is going to take 3-6 weeks to get over because the remicade stays in the body for so long. 

He also told me that I can never take remicade again because if I did I could die because this reaction was so severe.

So since Jan. 9th I have gone through literal hell suffering from the crohns and the allergic reaction so much so I am isolating myself and literally cont want to be around anyone and that is not me for those who are close to me.

My days consist of just surviving and praying the pain eases enough so I can at least get out of bed and make myself dinner and bathe myself. I pass the time crocheting, coloring/drawing and watching old TV shows n movies.

I have no independence right now my husband has to do most of the house work and all the shopping and Also all the driving because I'm just not able to right now.

We all realize it was a miracle the allergic reaction was not worse because if I would of had one more symptom I was going to be in the hospital fighting for my life in full on anaphylaxis shock. Because I had every symptom of it except the swelling of my throat where I couldn't breathe. God is not done with me and still has work for me to do in the future. There is still someone out there I have not shared the love of Jesus with and all he has done for me.

Every day I write on Facebook accomplishments and no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to a healthy young adult to a chronically I'll young adult they are mountains I have climbed that day and I just keep swimming as dory in finding memo says.