It's a New Year And I'm Ready

On my way home tonight from counseling with my husband Jeremy, I heard this song "Lord I'm Ready Now" by the Christian Artist Plumb and realized this is my song and my testimony for 2015.  And that I want to dedicate this song to my husband Jeremy and to my Jesus because it truly speaks what I can't put into words of what I want to say about everything that has happened in my past and I'm ready to heal from the past and move forward being the real me and not who I thought I was or needed to be.

I'm not afraid of who I am, I accept who I am and all my short coming and limitations.  But I am striving to move forward and be the best me I can be so that I can have a health marriage, and healthy relationships with my friends and loved ones.

I don't have to make a new years resolution because I'm already doing it and accomplishing it in leaps and bounds. I thank God for my counselor, I thank God for loving family and friends who have supported me through all I have been through in my life and stood by me as we have struggled through this darkness of "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and I'm so thankful for all the support as I continue to battle Crohn's Disease and surviving the bad days it throws my way and enjoying and cherishing every good day I am blessed with.

I'm ready to live my life, not just survive it in 2015......Lord, I'm Ready NOW!!!

I have LOST 20 Pounds Thanks To Going Off Of Steroids!!!!

Yesterday I had the 2nd best doctor visit this year!! I went for my yearly female issues check up and when they weighted me, I weighted 282 lbs (this is subtracting the weight of my clothes and shoes) and it means i have lost 20 lbs in the past 5 months!!! And I'm not done losing yet, I'm already close to going down another pant size!!!

Still, I have NEVER weighted this much in my life, and it has all been because of the steroids that the doctors have put me on over the past 3 years. And now that it is proven that the steroids do NOTHING for me and also cause me to be suicidal and have severe mental problems, my doctor told me he will NEVER put me on them again!!!! YAY!!! Happy Dance!!!

Then over the past 4 weeks my husband Jeremy and I have made some big progress in healing our marriage and working towards reconciling.  Jeremy came and had Thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, then the past 2 weekends I have gone over to his house and spent the weekend with him and we've had some great date nights together.  We are hoping to officially be back together on Christmas day if things continue to go the way they are.  Tomorrow Jeremy and I are going to see my counselor together for a session and we will be talking about my progress over the past 3 months in the PTSD therapy.  I love my husband with all my heart, and I will do whatever I can to save my marriage and keep my vows that I made before God.  Jeremy tells me every day he loves me, which nearly 4 months ago he could not say nor wanted to say. But now as we have continued to talk and work on our marriage and also me going to counseling and learning to deal with the abuse I endured in the past and also learning how to deal with the disease and health problems i will be facing for the rest of my life everyone can see I am doing much better mentally.  I have to focus on the things I have control over in my life and let go of the things I have no control over.  Focus on the positives and let go of the negatives.

Also, I've been crocheting lots more over the past few weeks because I am making Christmas presents for my Grandma and Step Mom.  My Grandma asked me to make her a throw blanket. I had never made a blanket in my life and so I came up with my own design/pattern and Grandma said she wanted the colors in Patriotic Red, white, and blue.  Below is the finished product and my Grandma loves it. I call it "Grandma's Patriotic Throw Blanket"

I will post pics of my Step mother's gift when she gets it on Christmas so I can take a pic of her wearing the items.

Then, with the extra yarn i have left over from the blanket and the hat, scarf, hand warmers, and head band I made for my step mom I've made different size skull cap hats and ear warmer head bands to sell.  I'm also looking to start making things to sell at crafts bizarre and such over the next year that will maybe help me pay for my ever growing medical bills that unfortunately will never end. 

Right now even though today has been a bad day, I'm so happy knowing all these good things are happening in the face of my suffering with this disease and all these positives make the negatives not so hard to face. 

CT Scan Results Are In

Yesterday I got the call about the results from the CT Scan I had done last Tuesday on my Guts.

The Bad News: I have wide spread permanent scar tissue damage through out my intestines and there is nothing the doctor can do about it.

The Good News: Right now there is no signs of active Crohn's disease that they can see.

The Other Bad News: They still don't know why I continue to have these "spells" where I get in extreme pain and collapse on the floor, or break out in a cold sweat and collapse on floor.  And 1-2 times a week I am completely bed ridden with extreme 8 out of 10 level of pain. 

What they aren't doing: The doctor has cancelled the smart pill camera procedure is not treating the crohn's at all until the crohn's goes out of remission.

What They Are Doing: The Doctor is going to try and put me on a new medication to try and ease my stomach issues A.K.A Irritable Bowel Syndrome to try and get the nausea, vomiting, stomach spasms, and the 4-8 bowel movements a day under control.

But this however is it, there is nothing else to be done for me at this point until the disease goes out of "remission" and my intestines get more and more damaged then there will be a med change to consider, so the doctor says. 

This is the healthiest I'm going to be and I may not be this healthy for long depending on when the disease decides to go active again and start to try and destroy me. 

Lots of tears being shed today.  But we have to realize that when the doctor says incurable there is going to come a point when there is really nothing else than can do other than send me home and have me come in for a check up every 6 months to a year. 

So, I am going to just keep doing what I have been. Taking things one day at a time and enjoying the good days I have and surviving the bad until the next good day comes along.

Pray for me friends because they are literally all I have left to lean on, and that God will heal me.

Ct scans, homemade noodles and Crohn's

Today my grandparent's cat lily is keeping me company as I fight through another bad day with the Crohn's. She is my buddy and nurse aid, or so she thinks. We are in bed watching old Christmas cartoons.

Last Tuesday I went to OSU east hospital and had a ct scan of my guts, so the doctor can see if I'm OK to have the smart pill camera procedure done in the next month or so.  Was the first time I did a ct scan and didn't start to throw up the barium drink. Thanks to my 5 stomach meds and the fact they didn't try to force me to try to drink 2 bottles of that yucky stuff after I told them I can only get down one bottle, and that this is how it has been for over 3 years. So thankful for understanding doctors and nurses.

Then Saturday evening my husband and I went out to dinner together at one of fav Chinese restaurants. Then we went to our fav music/movie store. It was a good time we had some laughs n good conversation. Jeremy is still trying to figure out whether he wants to get back together or not. But he is trying and I'm trying to keep talking daily to each other and do things together until he decided what he wants.

Then yesterday we got our first real winter snow storm and so I decided since we all were stuck inside, my grandma and I made homemade egg noodles. We made enough noodles to fill up 6 gallon freezer bags!! We made 6 batches of noodles, used 36 eggs and one and three fourths bags of flour!!! It was a lot of work but it was so much fun and now we have enough noodles to get us through all the holiday dinners!! This was my first time ever making noodles and what better day to do them on than the first snow of winter. It will be a special memory to cherish the rest of my life.

Also, 2 weeks ago I took all the hats and scarves I had made for this years smitten mitten expedition to the 2 homeless shelters I had chosen this year to donate to. And already I have gotten 2 big yarn donations and have begun making hats, scarves, and hand warmers for the 2015 smitten mitten expedition. Its amazing the out pouring of support I have received over the past 4 years from people donating yarn and money so I can help keep the homeless and needy in our area warm every winter. God has truly blessed this little ministry project. Even though I'm sick and disabled, I can still make a difference for the Lord and I still have a purpose and work to do for the Lord.

My Grandpa Has A New Heart...I am Calling Him Our Personal tin Man

Thursday afternoon, my Grandpa had surgery to put a pacemaker in his heart. His heart has not been working properly and his heart rate would hardly go higher than 41 beats a minute. He and my grandma stayed together at the hospital over night and then came home yesterday afternoon.

Already we can see a big improvement to my Grandpa's health thanks to the pacemaker.  he has been up most of the day, sitting in his favorite chair, watching his fav tv shows n taking care of maggie and sissy (my grandparent's 2 yorkie Chihuahua mix doggies) already after only 2 days post surgery. 

He still has a long recovery, but we all are so happy to see immediate improvements and hope he continues to improve as the days and weeks pass.

I am continuing to stay with Grandma and Poppy and it doesn't look like i'm leaving anytime soon.  If things keep going the way they are with my marriage and also my grandparents health i will be staying with them well into spring. 

Continuing to take things one day at a time and leaning on the Lord to lead me.

Taking Things One Day At A Time

A while back I posted a blog about my husband and i separating and possibly getting a divorce.....

Well, this week I will be completely moved out of our home except 4 pieces of furniture that will be moved in the next 2-3 weeks.

But my husband and i are continuing to talk daily through phone calls and text chats and so we are keeping the lines of communication open and if he decides to want to work things out then it will be easily done

Yesterday when I went over to our home to finish going through what little bit i had left of small things, we talked for 4 hours and even went down the street and had dinner together for the first time since all this started nearly 2 months ago.

I am continuing to go to counseling and getting treatment for my PTSD, and I am even making progress already.  In just 2 session with my counselor I have already been able to heal and move on from one of the traumas in my past.  Normally after a past counseling sessions i would leave feeling more traumatized and scared than ever.  But not with my new counselor she had me go through this certain trauma and by the time I was done with the session she had me so calm and relaxed that for the first time in my life I was happy and felt good mentally and even drove home!!!!!  And the night terrors i had been having that were related to this trauma have stopped!!!

My husband noticed a big change in me emotionally and mentally, and is very happy to see me making progress. 

But so far he still doesn't know what he wants to do on either working things out or going through with the divorce.  That is why i am taking things one day at a time with him and preparing plans to move forward with depending on which way he decides to go with our marriage. 

To my friends who are reading this, please continue to pray for me and my husband and that God's Will be done in all things in our lives. 

latest gi doctor visit to battle crohn's

last tuesday i went back to my gi doctor for my 4 month follow up.  He noticed i have lost weight, 10 pounds to be exact which in my case is a very good thing, but he is very concerned about my continued extreme intestinal pain episodes that knock me off my feet and make me feel like i'm going to pass out/collapse.

So the gi doctor is wanting to schedule another smart pill camera procedure to see how bad the disease has gotten since i went off of all crohn's medication 4 months ago (because the meds were not working) and see what medication to possibly try next.  But until medicare approves the test it's back to playing the waiting game again until i can go have this test done.

However, while waiting for the smart pill camera procedure I am having weekly therapy counseling sessions with my new PTSD certified counselor and in just 2 sessions I'm already making head way in healing from the over 20 years of abuse that i have never productively dealt with and healed from.

Well, that is about all the updates i have for now.  It's going to be a beautiful fall weekend and i'm hoping to be able to enjoy everyday of it.